Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Same initiative : New beginning
To make 'No Gender Inequality' (NGI) blog more interactive for our readers and supporters, we have decided to move NGI to http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/ .
As always we look forward to your views, perspectives and notions. Please continue to support the cause like you always have and subscribe to new feed and use comment space to let us know your views on the new blog.
Thank you all!
-NGI team
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Domestic Violence Awareness : Learn to say NO
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Reach out to a friend or relative who might need your help. Let them know that they are not alone and that they have the option to say NO.
When we hear about domestic abuse, we think of a poor woman beaten black and blue. Domestic abuse has nothing to do with social strata, gender, religion or race. Any abuse or violence that takes place within a family where spouse/partner, children, and aged are involved, is domestic violence. In most cases though we find women and children as victims of domestic abuse, a reason why we have women's shelter homes and children's welfare homes set up by social services. So here I am addressing issues related to children and women. It is parents' responsibility to provide a happy home for the child they bring to this world and not to let them witness violence and abuse at home.
According to Child welfare Information gateway [link], the problems that children who witness domestic violence face, fall into three primary categories:
Adjustment is one of the keys to happy life but a life full of adjustments becomes suffocating and worthless. It is an issue that needs immediate attention. First step is to be upfront and address the issue, if that doesn’t work then may be involving an older person from immediate family or counseling might help. If situation goes out of control then it is always good to call a domestic violence hotline. There are trained professionals who attend the call and they offer wide range of options.
According to Child welfare Information gateway [link], the problems that children who witness domestic violence face, fall into three primary categories:
• Behavioral, social, and emotional problems: Higher levels of aggression, anger, hostility, oppositional behavior, and disobedience; fear, anxiety, withdrawal, and depression; poor peer, sibling, and social relationships; and low self-esteem.
• Cognitive and attitudinal problems. Lower cognitive functioning, poor school performance, lack of conflict resolution skills, limited problem solving skills, pro-violence attitudes, and belief in rigid gender stereotypes and male privilege.
• Long-term problems. Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms and increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships. [excerpt ends]
Domestic violence isn’t just about physical battery, scars and bruises. Verbal abuse and emotional battery is equally damaging and unacceptable. Most of us are serious about physical abuse because we can see the scars but psychological abuse is most common type of battery which goes on because we don’t consider it as an abuse. Constant belittling, name-calling and dictating, over a period are equally harmful because it makes a person feel worthless and leads to depression and in some cases suicide. An emotional battery is the one when an adult is treated like a child and needs to ask permission before doing anything. When an adult is forced to hide her own feelings thinking that the partner might verbally attack her for the same and also, giving up on all unreasonable demands of partner.
We are often not convinced when a woman from upper strata of society complains of domestic abuse. We can't believe that a highly educated woman can be belittled. This video by Safe Horizon depicts a common emotional battery that can happen to even a highly educated woman and shows how her work suffers along with her mental strength.
The motive behind domestic violence is power. If not by physical strength then by emotional overpowering.
Adjustment is one of the keys to happy life but a life full of adjustments becomes suffocating and worthless. It is an issue that needs immediate attention. First step is to be upfront and address the issue, if that doesn’t work then may be involving an older person from immediate family or counseling might help. If situation goes out of control then it is always good to call a domestic violence hotline. There are trained professionals who attend the call and they offer wide range of options.
IF YOU NEED HELP
If you don't have anyone to turn to and suffering in an abusive relationship then it is better to talk to trained advocates who offer guidance. If your friend or relative needs help then help them. The caller is asked whether she is in immediate danger, and whether she can receive calls because most of the times, women hesitate to call from their own homes fearing her husband or partner.
India:
- Bell Bajao- Bring domestic violence to halt: It is supported by ministry of women and child development. All the numbers are listed here. http://bellbajao.org/resources/helplines/.
US:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline ( ndvh.org) : 800-799-SAFE
- Safe Horizon : 800-621-HOPE
- Aasra: 1-800-313-ASRA
UK:
- Ashiana (http://www.ashianahelp.org.uk/): Details on the website.
We can all take responsibility for helping to bring about change, and keeping our friends and colleagues safe from domestic violence.
Monday, September 28, 2009
That huge sense of entitlement
Guest post by Apu of Apu's World.
Excuse me for being a little angry here but what is it with (some/many?) Indian men and their huge sense of entitlement? Perhaps I should add a caveat here. You may (if you are a man) jump in and say, but, not all of us are like that. True, true. But, here’s the thing - there are enough such scum around that incidents like this one are only too common - a 25 year old woman in Mumbai, a mother of two, was gang raped and then burnt, it appears, simply because one of the assailants had been rejected by her a few years ago. Acid attacks on women who have turned down a man or broken off a relationship are only too well known.
It is a normal human tendency to feel sad when rejected by anybody. But, where is this sense of entitlement and anger coming from? Why this feeling that she must like me, I am too good to be rejected, I cannot possibly be turned down?
In my opinion, this starts out with the preferential treatment that many boys receive at home. Let’s start with simple things like the traditional Indian style of eating where the mother cooks and keeps serving while others eat, and then has her meal once everyone is done. The girls in the family too are roped in to help mother in the kitchen, as soon as they are old enough. The boys? The boys sit and eat their hearts’ fill. Perhaps this is why I’ve often seen men help themselves and even empty the vessel without any thought of whether the women who will eat later will have enough. When the message is that everything revolves around you, why bother to contradict that?
Food is just one of the many ways in which boys are subtly and un-subtly told that they are better, that they deserve the best, that in fact, whoever denies them what they want is simply wrong. In case you think it is only a few backward people who behave like this - unfortunately not. The scale of discrimination may be smaller in urban families but it is still there. Boys may be allowed to set the table, for instance, but in South Indian households, they will still rarely be allowed to clean up after meals the traditional way, where you sprinkle water and use your hand to clean. This is demeaning to them you see, although its perfectly ok for girls. Ecchal Idardu is what we call it in Tamizh, a concept difficult to translate into any non-Indian language, but would roughly correspond to jhoota saaf karna (झूठा साफ़ करना) in Hindi. I remember once going to a relative’s house, where after lunch, their two boys were excused while I, the guest was asked to clean up, because, that’s what girls are supposed to do!
It goes on in many other ways, including the amount of freedom girls and boys are allowed. (Girls are told that this is for their own safety, while the truth is that many crimes against women occur at home and are perpetrated by relatives and so-called friends). Of course, while every other Indian household is this way, not every boy raised this way is going to become a killer or acid-thrower. We can’t deny though that such conditioning is a great way to make boys (and the men they become) think that the world owes them everything. It develops a false sense of manliness based on others kow-towing to you rather than on reciprocal, affectionate relationships.
Movies too have a role in promoting this ideal of manliness. Mainstream South Indian movies have taken this to an extreme with the Cult of the Eve-Teasing Hero, who mysteriously, gets (often, more affluent and educated) beautiful women to fall for him because of or inspite of the tactics he uses, which the more sane among us would only call sexual harassment. Great role models for boys in this country! Should we wonder that some among this lot aspire to darker versions of what their heroes practise on screen?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Conditioned thinking -- How to break away from it?
[This post was submitted by a blogger who wants to remain anonymous.]
Recently I met a friend of mine from college days after a long gap. We had been rather close and used to spend a lot of time talking about whatever came to our minds. Gender inequality we faced was on of our favourite topics. We discussed it with passion. We were unanimous on one thing: we were NOT going to discriminate between our son and daughter when we married and had children of our own. Oh no sir!
Destiny did not put me to the test. It gave me sons, a pair of them. I was disappointed at not having daughters for the simple reason that I couldn’t prove to the world how those daughters were going to be brought up without discrimination unlike how I had been. I had been waiting to thumb my nose at the world in general and at remarks people were wont to make and to stand steadfast by my daughter(s). I consoled myself that I could prove my point when the time came by doing the same for my daughters-in-law. In the meantime, I tried to inculcate the right values in my sons.
My friend on the other hand was blessed with a son and a daughter. She had ample opportunity to put into practice what we so passionately believed in and discussed during college days. But as the evening wore on, I felt restless. Was this the same girl I knew back in college? Her conversation was peppered with a lot of ‘I was telling my daughter, men will always be men. Women have to adjust…....and more of such juvenile thought process” I was horrified. Where was that firebrand I knew back in the old days?? And what did she mean putting such regressive ideas into the head of her daughter, the new generation?? I was totally disappointed. And yet she claimed to have brought up her children as equals. Hmm…
Visiting her I noticed that she called her daughter to serve the guests a cold drink or for help in the kitchen. In my own house, my boys would serve cold drinks to the guests. Was it because I did not have a daughter, I asked myself. I admitted, perhaps out of habit, that “conditioning,” even I would have been tempted to call my daughter, if I had one, for help. But then breaking that “conditioning” is what we had talked about so passionately. I knew that even if such “conditioned” thoughts came unbidden to my mind, I would brush them aside consciously and do the right thing. Well that was me. Apparently my friend had succumbed ‘unconsciously to social pressure.
One day while relaxing over a cup of tea and pakodas, husbands in tow, she started laughing and told me of a conversation she had with her children earlier in the day over the phone. It seems that her 'lazy' son had appointed his sister to wash his undies on the weekends she visited him from her college hostel as they now stayed in the same city. His other clothes were given to the dhobhi. Till then he had washed them himself. Now that he was employed he gave the duty to his sister dangling the carrot of pocket money. The daughter who is still a student agreed. My friend was laughing at her son’s evident laziness and ‘smartness’ for finding a way out of doing some work. My husband and hers were laughing away too. I did not find it funny.
I wondered if the daughter had been older, and the brother younger, would the son wash his sister’s undies for her?? Would the parents have allowed it?? I could just imagine the horror on her face and that of her husband, in fact my husband too if I asked that question. So I kept mum. I wondered how they could see the funny side of it and not the less funny and discriminatory side of it. The father was even suggesting that the daughter should have held out for some more pocket money, as the son was earning well enough.
Am I over reacting?? I don’t know. But it revolts me that we should be “conditioned” enough to think that a brother washing clothes for his sister is a no-no but its merely a laughing matter (and the done thing) the other way round. I laid the matter before my sons later in the day. The elder son was merely amazed that such a thing was happening. The younger one flatly refused, saying, “I wouldn’t do that for him (elder bro) even if he offered me good money. (he washes his own undies by the way) But both of them were unanimous on one thing, the boy should not make his sister do something that he wouldn’t do for her. Ok, that is fair enough. That is exactly my point. But would he?? Would the parents allow it??
How difficult it is to come out of ‘conditioned’ thinking? Washing, cooking, laying the table, serving guests, sweeping, mopping are all woman’s work! I really don’t know how much I have succeeded in impressing my own children about gender equality. After all they live in the same society and see the difference in treatment meted out to women all around them. But I can say that I have tried my best and on occasions have argued my point with vehemence when they have unconsciously repeated ‘conditioned’ remarks heard elsewhere. I hope when the time comes, they treat their spouses the right way. But no matter, if they don’t, they have me to reckon with!
Recently I met a friend of mine from college days after a long gap. We had been rather close and used to spend a lot of time talking about whatever came to our minds. Gender inequality we faced was on of our favourite topics. We discussed it with passion. We were unanimous on one thing: we were NOT going to discriminate between our son and daughter when we married and had children of our own. Oh no sir!
Destiny did not put me to the test. It gave me sons, a pair of them. I was disappointed at not having daughters for the simple reason that I couldn’t prove to the world how those daughters were going to be brought up without discrimination unlike how I had been. I had been waiting to thumb my nose at the world in general and at remarks people were wont to make and to stand steadfast by my daughter(s). I consoled myself that I could prove my point when the time came by doing the same for my daughters-in-law. In the meantime, I tried to inculcate the right values in my sons.
My friend on the other hand was blessed with a son and a daughter. She had ample opportunity to put into practice what we so passionately believed in and discussed during college days. But as the evening wore on, I felt restless. Was this the same girl I knew back in college? Her conversation was peppered with a lot of ‘I was telling my daughter, men will always be men. Women have to adjust…....and more of such juvenile thought process” I was horrified. Where was that firebrand I knew back in the old days?? And what did she mean putting such regressive ideas into the head of her daughter, the new generation?? I was totally disappointed. And yet she claimed to have brought up her children as equals. Hmm…
Visiting her I noticed that she called her daughter to serve the guests a cold drink or for help in the kitchen. In my own house, my boys would serve cold drinks to the guests. Was it because I did not have a daughter, I asked myself. I admitted, perhaps out of habit, that “conditioning,” even I would have been tempted to call my daughter, if I had one, for help. But then breaking that “conditioning” is what we had talked about so passionately. I knew that even if such “conditioned” thoughts came unbidden to my mind, I would brush them aside consciously and do the right thing. Well that was me. Apparently my friend had succumbed ‘unconsciously to social pressure.
One day while relaxing over a cup of tea and pakodas, husbands in tow, she started laughing and told me of a conversation she had with her children earlier in the day over the phone. It seems that her 'lazy' son had appointed his sister to wash his undies on the weekends she visited him from her college hostel as they now stayed in the same city. His other clothes were given to the dhobhi. Till then he had washed them himself. Now that he was employed he gave the duty to his sister dangling the carrot of pocket money. The daughter who is still a student agreed. My friend was laughing at her son’s evident laziness and ‘smartness’ for finding a way out of doing some work. My husband and hers were laughing away too. I did not find it funny.
I wondered if the daughter had been older, and the brother younger, would the son wash his sister’s undies for her?? Would the parents have allowed it?? I could just imagine the horror on her face and that of her husband, in fact my husband too if I asked that question. So I kept mum. I wondered how they could see the funny side of it and not the less funny and discriminatory side of it. The father was even suggesting that the daughter should have held out for some more pocket money, as the son was earning well enough.
Am I over reacting?? I don’t know. But it revolts me that we should be “conditioned” enough to think that a brother washing clothes for his sister is a no-no but its merely a laughing matter (and the done thing) the other way round. I laid the matter before my sons later in the day. The elder son was merely amazed that such a thing was happening. The younger one flatly refused, saying, “I wouldn’t do that for him (elder bro) even if he offered me good money. (he washes his own undies by the way) But both of them were unanimous on one thing, the boy should not make his sister do something that he wouldn’t do for her. Ok, that is fair enough. That is exactly my point. But would he?? Would the parents allow it??
How difficult it is to come out of ‘conditioned’ thinking? Washing, cooking, laying the table, serving guests, sweeping, mopping are all woman’s work! I really don’t know how much I have succeeded in impressing my own children about gender equality. After all they live in the same society and see the difference in treatment meted out to women all around them. But I can say that I have tried my best and on occasions have argued my point with vehemence when they have unconsciously repeated ‘conditioned’ remarks heard elsewhere. I hope when the time comes, they treat their spouses the right way. But no matter, if they don’t, they have me to reckon with!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
What does it mean to be a ‘mother’ ?
[Guest post contribution by Shailaja Mohan of Shail's Nest.]
An elephant does it. So does a goat, orangutan, polar bear, tiger, puma… Yeah they all do, give birth I mean just like countless other mammals on earth including humans. There is a difference though. While after giving birth, the rest of them go about their business of being a mother quietly, humans (the one human that gave birth and the rest of the crowd consisting of women and men) crow and trumpet about it, some among them continuing to do so throughout their lives, never letting their offspring or anyone else forget what a great and noble act was theirs. ‘Pathu maasam chumannu, nonthu prasavichu’ (Bore you for ten months, of course technically wrong, and gave painful birth) go the Malayali mothers (in real and reel life) and I am sure their counterparts elsewhere have something similar up their sleeve to keep those errant and not so errant but merely independent (which it seems is the greatest sin in the eyes of most mothers) children in line.
It IS a tough act, no doubt to it. But please spare me all those paeans sung in praise of mother and motherhood. Please spare me also the worship and adoration. Please spare me all that (nonsense) talk of divinity. Please spare me that place reserved for mothers over there on that too tall (and shaky to boot) pedestal which makes one look ridiculous apart from the danger and discomfort of standing on it impersonating an inanimate stone statue while the rest of you burn incense sticks suffocating one in its smoke, burying one beneath garlands of tributes and chanting praises to mother and motherhood till one goes deaf…. And all for what??! For going through the perfectly natural biological act of giving birth?! Give me a break society.
Yes, I am a mother. So what??
I am no God-like figure.
I am no superhuman.
I am not an inanimate object/stone idol.
I am not an asexual being.
So stop treating me like all of the above just because I have given birth.
I am human.
I am made of flesh and blood like the rest of you.
I have all the human feelings and failings.
I laugh, cry, get angry and stressed. I may scream, throw something in frustration. I love with all my heart. I also hurt. I desire, long and yearn. At times I may feel jealous, envious, disillusioned, and delusional. I need love, sex, sympathy, care, pampering.
I sometimes hurt with innocent remarks or barbed words spoken in frustration. I forgive the worst of mistakes. I expect to be forgiven too.
Sometimes I am down in the dumps, I am lost. I need a hand to pull me out of my despair or at least railings to hold on to pull myself out. Don’t think/assume that because I am a mother everything becomes alright magically. I need affection, a caressing hand, a warm breast to lay my head when I feel cold and alone. I think you are the world, but I need to be made to feel I am the world too for someone, somewhere.
I am scared at times, unsure too. I make mistakes, I may want to walk out, start afresh. Instead of kicking me down, accusing me that a mother cannot, help me start over again. I am also capable of hate. I lash out, strike, spew venom. I may have my moods. I may look forlorn and morose. Don’t expect that ‘mother’ is a synonym for the mannequins in the malls or worse still, the models who are paid good money to do a bit of smiling for a short time in front of movie cameras. I also look frumpy most times quite unlike them, though I try not to.
I fall sick (remember I am human). I need the doctor, maybe someone to listen to my real or imaginary aches and pains. I want to be left alone just like you all want at times. I want to do my own things, not to be at your beck and call at all times. I have likes and dislikes. It is not always about your likes and dislikes. Respect my privacy. Motherhood does not mean my life is an open house for you all to walk in and out when it pleases you.
Don’t talk down to me, talk to me; you may know a lot of things. I know a few things too. Don’t treat me as if I have half a brain. I may not be used to certain things, so may take longer to learn or simply won’t be up to mark in some. Don’t poke fun or make unkind remarks as if I don’t exist. I do. Don’t assume (or expect) that ‘sacrifice’ is my middle name. Don’t worship me as you do the idol in the temple and then walk out to forget me till the next time you need something.
Yes, I became a mother when I gave birth, a biological act that has been assigned to me by Nature as of now. But that does not make me a saint with superhuman capabilities.
I am no God-like figure.
I am no superhuman
I am not an inanimate object/stone idol.
I am not an asexual being.
So stop treating me like all of the above just because I have given birth.
I am human.
I am made of flesh and blood like the rest of you.
I have all the human feelings and failings.
Treat me like one, just like you treat each other. Is that asking too much??
Sunday, July 12, 2009
My Amma - Mon Ami.
This post was submitted by a blogger who wants to remain anonymous. This is a true account of how his/her mother overcame difficulties to bring up her children and didn't give up.
The words touched us and made us feel proud of the son/daughter but most of all his/her mother. A woman who has the never-say-die spirit. We hope the words will 'speak' to you too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----
My Mother:
It is often said that the force of character to handle stress is so much more in a woman than in a man. I personally know that it is true as I have seen my mother battle her way through so much.
The very basic characteristic of any human is his/her tenacity to survive against all odds. But unfortunately, that tenacity was found lacking in my dad. There was once a time when his business was doing great and money kept pouring in but unfortunately, due to some bad deals and even worse “friends”, he lost all of it when I was about 12.
He took to alcohol in a big way and pretty soon, lost all sense of what it took to be a good dad, what it took to be a good husband and he started living in his megalomaniac dreams of grandeur; a situation from which he has not recovered to this day. And he soon deserted us to live his life in solitude.
Coming from a very orthodox family, this incident was a major shock to all my relatives and they tried to bring him back into the fold. I still remember in my 9th standard visiting an AA clinic to meet my “dad” and there inside was a “decrepit stranger” whom I did not know and that incident still rankles as the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I was hurt, shocked and unable to control my emotions at that time and I could have gone either way. I could have become the psychotic extrovert or I could have become the deeply pained, shy introvert scarred for life. But it was thanks to my mother than I remained normal, remained grounded. Yes, being normal was an important attribute for me at that time.
Once a teacher by choice and interest, it soon became an important income source for her and she did initially struggle to make ends meet.
But more importantly, I am what I am thanks to her. She had the power to absorb so much and still walk around with a smile, a smile that used to light up the entire house. Nothing ever did depress her; no problem was too great to overcome. If I can say that I had a normal childhood, without any worries, it was thanks to her. If today, I can stand up and say that I aim to be a good human being and a good husband/father in the future, it is thanks to her.
I still remember as a kid, how she used to take everything in her stride and not blame “life” for it. During that initial period, the problems were many (legal, financial and emotional) and the solutions too few. I personally believe that a mortal of lesser strength would have fallen ill at that point but nope, she never gave up; she never gave up on her dream of bringing up her kids the right way, never gave up on her dream of educating school kids. A strong woman, who never cut corners, who inculcated in her kids, the importance of words like “honesty and integrity”.
The old wise folks say, “Mata, Pita, Guru, Deivam” and that saying is very true!!!
This is my tribute to this wonderful lady; my mother, my guru, my friend and my guide.
This is my tribute to this wonderful lady; a woman who could stay stoic against all insurmountable odds and yet cry at the drop of a hat when watching a film.
I do not call her “amma” these days. I call her “mon ami” (“my friend” in French).
God bless!!
The words touched us and made us feel proud of the son/daughter but most of all his/her mother. A woman who has the never-say-die spirit. We hope the words will 'speak' to you too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----
My Mother:
It is often said that the force of character to handle stress is so much more in a woman than in a man. I personally know that it is true as I have seen my mother battle her way through so much.
The very basic characteristic of any human is his/her tenacity to survive against all odds. But unfortunately, that tenacity was found lacking in my dad. There was once a time when his business was doing great and money kept pouring in but unfortunately, due to some bad deals and even worse “friends”, he lost all of it when I was about 12.
He took to alcohol in a big way and pretty soon, lost all sense of what it took to be a good dad, what it took to be a good husband and he started living in his megalomaniac dreams of grandeur; a situation from which he has not recovered to this day. And he soon deserted us to live his life in solitude.
Coming from a very orthodox family, this incident was a major shock to all my relatives and they tried to bring him back into the fold. I still remember in my 9th standard visiting an AA clinic to meet my “dad” and there inside was a “decrepit stranger” whom I did not know and that incident still rankles as the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I was hurt, shocked and unable to control my emotions at that time and I could have gone either way. I could have become the psychotic extrovert or I could have become the deeply pained, shy introvert scarred for life. But it was thanks to my mother than I remained normal, remained grounded. Yes, being normal was an important attribute for me at that time.
Once a teacher by choice and interest, it soon became an important income source for her and she did initially struggle to make ends meet.
But more importantly, I am what I am thanks to her. She had the power to absorb so much and still walk around with a smile, a smile that used to light up the entire house. Nothing ever did depress her; no problem was too great to overcome. If I can say that I had a normal childhood, without any worries, it was thanks to her. If today, I can stand up and say that I aim to be a good human being and a good husband/father in the future, it is thanks to her.
I still remember as a kid, how she used to take everything in her stride and not blame “life” for it. During that initial period, the problems were many (legal, financial and emotional) and the solutions too few. I personally believe that a mortal of lesser strength would have fallen ill at that point but nope, she never gave up; she never gave up on her dream of bringing up her kids the right way, never gave up on her dream of educating school kids. A strong woman, who never cut corners, who inculcated in her kids, the importance of words like “honesty and integrity”.
The old wise folks say, “Mata, Pita, Guru, Deivam” and that saying is very true!!!
This is my tribute to this wonderful lady; my mother, my guru, my friend and my guide.
This is my tribute to this wonderful lady; a woman who could stay stoic against all insurmountable odds and yet cry at the drop of a hat when watching a film.
I do not call her “amma” these days. I call her “mon ami” (“my friend” in French).
God bless!!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
STAND UP ... YOUNG GENERATION
Guest Post Contributed by Anju Gandhi of 'Awakening'
Thanks for sharing Anju Gandhi :)
I attended a marriage last month. Some details of the marriage
Sangeet in a five star hotel with a guest list of 800+ (that includes not only relatives or friends but distant business colleagues or acquaintances and their family
Marriage in open ground ( big enough to accommodate more than 2000 guests) fresh flowers decorations everywhere ( orchids, roses etc), fireworks, sparkling lights all over, games for children,valet parking arrangements for the odd 2000 guests, more than 150 dishes in the buffet spread ( Punjabi, Rajasthani, Guajarati, Maharastrian Mexican, Chinese, continental, Italian , you name the dish and it was there)
Brides outfit (minus the jewellery) more than Rs one lakh)
Gifts given by the bride’s family to the groom’ family (mind you to the grooms family not to the groom or the bride) - diamond jewellery to immediate family members (including the male members, gold to other relatives, 21 saris to grooms mother only clothes for all near relatives, silver glasses to distant relatives AND this is besides the dowry which was given to the bride
Bride a Doctor
Groom a MBA
AND ALL THE EXPENSES BORNE BY THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE
Out of those 2000 odd guests only few knew the couple. Rest like me were guests who didn’t know even the parents. (I had accompanied my husband and father in law as they were also acquaintances of the father)
I wonder why the so called educated, modern and liberated couple didn’t object to this sheer wastage of money. Why they did not put their foot down to lavish gifts given or the dowry given and when asked the couple they replied “can’t help it, in our community all this has to be done”
How can a self respecting. decently placed boy expect his wife to bring dowry. after all equality of gender is also something.
Why the girls family is expected to spend so much on the marriage. After all, the girl is equally educated and most of the parents don’t differentiate these days between girls and boys then why do the parents of a girl have to shell out so much to see their daughter married off. Is the daughter a burden on them? Is it a crime to have a daughter or see her settled in life with a decent boy?
Is it only the girl who is getting married? Is the boy not getting a wife who will leave her house, her family to come to live with him, his family and make all of them a part of her own family?
Why doesn’t the boy’s family also contribute equally to the marriage functions? Why it is expected from the girl’s side only to bear the expenses of the marriage function.
More important why squander so much on marriage functions and invite each and every one. Why can’t this money be given to the couple to start their life with more comforts? After all, the money is being spent by the parents. Give as much as you want to your daughter but why blow the hard earned money on strangers?
I suppose marriage is a family function where only close relatives and family friends should be present to bless the couple (we didn’t even go to wish the couple for simple reasons that we didn’t know the couple and there was a long queue near the stage, we just wished the parents and left), I just thought what was the need for them to invite us or hundreds of others. Was it just to show off their riches or to show off the long guest list or to promote their business?
Fine, parents who can afford to spend so much, spend but think of parents who are financially not well off, it becomes a burden for them to see their daughter married. That is why a daughter is not welcomed in many of Indian families.
Even after the huge dowry given (which according to me is the price given to buy the boy for the girl but in our culture which is seen as the price given to the boy to marry the daughter, as if the daughter is a liability on the parents, the sooner she is disposed off, the better it is for the parents) the girl doesn’t get respect or her due place at her inlaws place.
I am all for celebrating the marriage with all traditions and customs, having all the ceremonies , giving gifts to the couple but only because I want to give not because it is expected from me being the brides parents,after all we parents earn for our children and we want them to have all the comforts and facilities,( I would like to have all the possible ceremonies for my daughter’s marriage, follow all the customs) but with only close friends and relatives who are a part of your family and who will be happy for the couple but why invite the whole town to witness your propserity or why take loans just to maintain your name in the society ( no one will come to rescue you from the clutches of loan givers once you fail to return the loan)
If the parents wants to give to the couple go ahead and give if you can afford but please don’t make a public display of your affluence.
And to the young generation especially the boys who are on the threshold of marriage, stand up, raise your voice against dowry or display of opulence of your parents in the name of tradition and customs.. Take whatever your parents can give you, even demand (after all you have the right to and it is yours only) but don’t advertise it. Think of lakhs of family who cannot afford to do so. and even if they can afford it
Monday, June 8, 2009
SHE
Guest Post Contributed by Imp's Mom
Thanks for sharing Imp's Mom :)
SHE
She is worshiped
She is treasured
She is given all the luxuries of life that can be offered
Yet
She does not have Freedom
Freedom to make her own choices
Freedom to make her own mistakes
Freedom to live her life in her own terms
Freedom to learn from her own mistakes
Give her an education
Give her a chance to make it worthwhile
Give her a chance to grow, show her the love and watch her blossom
She is no less than a son.
Say NO to Gender Inequality
Thanks for sharing Imp's Mom :)
SHE
She is worshiped
She is treasured
She is given all the luxuries of life that can be offered
Yet
She does not have Freedom
Freedom to make her own choices
Freedom to make her own mistakes
Freedom to live her life in her own terms
Freedom to learn from her own mistakes
Give her an education
Give her a chance to make it worthwhile
Give her a chance to grow, show her the love and watch her blossom
She is no less than a son.
Say NO to Gender Inequality
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A Story about Gender Discrimination
Post Contribution by Kislay Chandra of Orange Blog
Thank You Kislay for sharing this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The not very unlikely juxtaposition of a quote from Solilo's post and a conversation with a friend of mine sowed the seed of thought for this post. This is the quote from Solilo's blog post “Brusque” –
Before I start telling you their story, let me tell you, that it suddenly dawned upon me ; what they have been facing is not just due to the misfortune of working in a software company in recession hit times as a fresher, but a significant portion of this "crap" has been dumped upon them on account of their sex. In one moment of epiphany, all the stories I heard over the past 5 months fell in place, illustrating the real picture. And it is ugly, sad and absolutely preposterous.
Here is the scenario - Mridul and Aparajita are freshers as I told you, and they were on bench for quite some time. For those fortunate enough never to have heard this term before, let me tell you what it means. It means that you are rusting. Your company has no work for you. And in these times, the axe may fall anytime. So these girls , along with another guy , one of the protagonists of our bitter-and-real life story , whom I shall name Mahamoorkh Chapanduk Pakhandi ( A big fool - A duffer - A hypocrite ) , i.e. M.C.P. , were grouped informally as a team , to be trained for the particular project soon-to-be-their team was working on. They were not formally allocated , but rather on their way to allocation. That is a like a state of limbo, between heaven and hell, neither here nor there.So the three of them started their training. This involved mastering a technology, by doing and learning. And these three, as unofficial members of the team, had no access to individual computers, but rather had to share one. Three people - One computer. That is shocking on an altogether different level, for the MNC is multi-billion dollar company.
Anyway, I think you all get an idea of what happened. One computer shared by three people, all of whom were supposed to practice their theory. Clashes were imminent and unavoidable. But after the initial unrest, the girls worked out things between them. But then, one computer, shared by two girls and one M.C.Pakhandi. This jackass, instead of being a gentleman and a professional, and trying to adapt to the situation, eventually turned out to be a pukka MCP, one that would make any other MCP proud. Like a wolf in a sheep’s clothing, eventually he showed his true ugly colors. Now, Shreeman Pakhandi , hogged the computer , rarely offered them the one chair they all had to share or relinquished control of the mouse/keyboard .He went through the material they all had to study together at his own pace. If he ever did offer any help and/or the computer, it was more out of condescension, rather than a genuine sense of fair play and team spirit. It was a gesture of magnanimity, doled out to make the other feel small and insignificant. Whenever these girls expressed their difficulty in grasping some concept or the other, it emanated a smile from him, one which said “You dumb girls”, the emphasis being more on 'girl' than 'dumb'.A completely unrelated, and yet, a significant incident. There is a quiz where you have to write the name of girl, the first one that comes to your mind. Now the jackass who came up with this quiz, was probably banking upon the fact , that like him , most other males would also write the name of the girl they are secretly or openly in love with. The purpose of this charade being to ascertain the name of your love, so that your friends can have a nice time pulling your leg. So our friend, Mahamoorkh, in the presence of Mridul and Aparajita, wrote a name. And as expected, the girls started teasing. And can you take a shot in the dark, and think up what his response was?“I do not think of her like that. She is NOT beautiful”. Now you call me a loon, but this gives an insight into his character. Had the words been “I am not attracted to her”, it would have been no more than a blip on the radar. But the ones that actually came out suggest that, to him, Love is a by-product of sexual attraction. From that, I conclude that either he is sees woman as sex-objects, and only those beautiful or hot enough are worthy of his love. I may be wrong. I hope I am.Our friend, M.C.Pakhandi, then ganged up with a fellow pig, lets call him Sidekick Swine (Pigs are in the air, eh?) , and two of them together, then made fun of the girls. Now, a very interesting observation is that, in this entire episode, he has never passed a single lewd remark, or made any obscene gesture. He has done nothing, which can actually be construed as actual sexual harassment. But, even this is sexual harassment. And I do not need a pair of ovaries, and a dose of estrogen to come to this conclusion. In the events that have unfolded in the past 5 months, the actions of MCP and his two bit sidekick, SS, have been more or less influenced by the fact, they Mridul and Aparajita are two girls, normal girls, neither bitchy nor meek. He behaves so, because, maybe, he sees them as not worthy of competing against him, or his bloated ego cannot digest a challenge from the fairer and apparently weaker sex.This was one man. Now for some more.In this team, all the girls, the ones who were lucky enough to get allocated got testing, as compared to the guys, who got development. Testing is commonly perceived as a job beneath the dignity of any coder worth his salt. But in a company, where most of the employees have not studied CS as their major, most of them are not coders.
So the assignment should be done purely on the basis of their performance in the training program, and not on their sex. But, the girls get testing, not because they are not good at coding, but because they are girlsWhat some guys actually think about the role of the female members the team – To act as a stress buster, for the overworked male colleague, by letting them flirt with them anytime they want, objects to practice their macho act on and an interesting way to engage yourself when at leisure.There was a team meeting in which the members were supposed to write down suggestions and ideas to improve the performance of the project. Our troika attended that meeting as well, even though they were not contributing towards the project. As they had no idea about what actually was going on, Mridul and Aparajita, could not have possibly come up with any idea or suggestion. So while they stared at their blank post-its, it caught the attention of senior male colleague. Initially, he coaxed them to write something. And soon it turned into a game, where another team member joined them, and unloaded a pile of post-its. They took verbal jabs at them, had fun at their expense, and shared this awesome in-joke. And guess what, M.C. Pakhandi, and S. Swine were nowhere around. Sexist? Or I am over imaginative?Personally, I would thrash guys like MCP and SS within inches of their lives, but that would not do anyone any good. His complex, his antagonism towards woman, in general or particular would only increase. I just don't how can people like these be cured.Now that the story is over, some of you may challenge the neutrality of the story teller, i.e. yours truly. For the past 5 months, whenever I heard their stories, Mr. Pakhandi was never the villain. He was just a male colleague, sometimes very irritating and obnoxious, and un-co-operative, but never the enemy. The girls never saw him in that light till I pointed it out, and they gave an unbiased account, telling it as it happened . As I said before, the realization that something sexist was going on was sudden, and hence, the story.It is high time the girls kicked some serious MCP ass. I hope they get his balls as a trophy.
Thank You Kislay for sharing this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The not very unlikely juxtaposition of a quote from Solilo's post and a conversation with a friend of mine sowed the seed of thought for this post. This is the quote from Solilo's blog post “Brusque” –
"Do not keep quiet in the face of injustice and gender bias. Those who knowinglyAnd how are they related? Well, they are related because my friend is a woman, working in a reputable multinational software company has been the victim of sexual discrimination. This MNC tries hard to maintain a decent sex-ratio, and I guess it is because of some tax incentive they get. Now my friend, let's call her Mridul (she is very polite), and her colleague and friend, let's call her Aparajita (she is very spunky), have together faced the brunt. Their victimization has been so subtle, nondescript, and insidious, that even they failed to notice it. Or, they did sense it, but did nothing about it, because as a woman, you are used to facing a more than average resistance than your average man faces. They, being the decent and helpful creatures (and confound them for being nice), have been facing a slew of shit since the day they joined their team.
keep quiet are as guilty as the perpetrators of injustice”
Before I start telling you their story, let me tell you, that it suddenly dawned upon me ; what they have been facing is not just due to the misfortune of working in a software company in recession hit times as a fresher, but a significant portion of this "crap" has been dumped upon them on account of their sex. In one moment of epiphany, all the stories I heard over the past 5 months fell in place, illustrating the real picture. And it is ugly, sad and absolutely preposterous.
Here is the scenario - Mridul and Aparajita are freshers as I told you, and they were on bench for quite some time. For those fortunate enough never to have heard this term before, let me tell you what it means. It means that you are rusting. Your company has no work for you. And in these times, the axe may fall anytime. So these girls , along with another guy , one of the protagonists of our bitter-and-real life story , whom I shall name Mahamoorkh Chapanduk Pakhandi ( A big fool - A duffer - A hypocrite ) , i.e. M.C.P. , were grouped informally as a team , to be trained for the particular project soon-to-be-their team was working on. They were not formally allocated , but rather on their way to allocation. That is a like a state of limbo, between heaven and hell, neither here nor there.So the three of them started their training. This involved mastering a technology, by doing and learning. And these three, as unofficial members of the team, had no access to individual computers, but rather had to share one. Three people - One computer. That is shocking on an altogether different level, for the MNC is multi-billion dollar company.
Anyway, I think you all get an idea of what happened. One computer shared by three people, all of whom were supposed to practice their theory. Clashes were imminent and unavoidable. But after the initial unrest, the girls worked out things between them. But then, one computer, shared by two girls and one M.C.Pakhandi. This jackass, instead of being a gentleman and a professional, and trying to adapt to the situation, eventually turned out to be a pukka MCP, one that would make any other MCP proud. Like a wolf in a sheep’s clothing, eventually he showed his true ugly colors. Now, Shreeman Pakhandi , hogged the computer , rarely offered them the one chair they all had to share or relinquished control of the mouse/keyboard .He went through the material they all had to study together at his own pace. If he ever did offer any help and/or the computer, it was more out of condescension, rather than a genuine sense of fair play and team spirit. It was a gesture of magnanimity, doled out to make the other feel small and insignificant. Whenever these girls expressed their difficulty in grasping some concept or the other, it emanated a smile from him, one which said “You dumb girls”, the emphasis being more on 'girl' than 'dumb'.A completely unrelated, and yet, a significant incident. There is a quiz where you have to write the name of girl, the first one that comes to your mind. Now the jackass who came up with this quiz, was probably banking upon the fact , that like him , most other males would also write the name of the girl they are secretly or openly in love with. The purpose of this charade being to ascertain the name of your love, so that your friends can have a nice time pulling your leg. So our friend, Mahamoorkh, in the presence of Mridul and Aparajita, wrote a name. And as expected, the girls started teasing. And can you take a shot in the dark, and think up what his response was?“I do not think of her like that. She is NOT beautiful”. Now you call me a loon, but this gives an insight into his character. Had the words been “I am not attracted to her”, it would have been no more than a blip on the radar. But the ones that actually came out suggest that, to him, Love is a by-product of sexual attraction. From that, I conclude that either he is sees woman as sex-objects, and only those beautiful or hot enough are worthy of his love. I may be wrong. I hope I am.Our friend, M.C.Pakhandi, then ganged up with a fellow pig, lets call him Sidekick Swine (Pigs are in the air, eh?) , and two of them together, then made fun of the girls. Now, a very interesting observation is that, in this entire episode, he has never passed a single lewd remark, or made any obscene gesture. He has done nothing, which can actually be construed as actual sexual harassment. But, even this is sexual harassment. And I do not need a pair of ovaries, and a dose of estrogen to come to this conclusion. In the events that have unfolded in the past 5 months, the actions of MCP and his two bit sidekick, SS, have been more or less influenced by the fact, they Mridul and Aparajita are two girls, normal girls, neither bitchy nor meek. He behaves so, because, maybe, he sees them as not worthy of competing against him, or his bloated ego cannot digest a challenge from the fairer and apparently weaker sex.This was one man. Now for some more.In this team, all the girls, the ones who were lucky enough to get allocated got testing, as compared to the guys, who got development. Testing is commonly perceived as a job beneath the dignity of any coder worth his salt. But in a company, where most of the employees have not studied CS as their major, most of them are not coders.
So the assignment should be done purely on the basis of their performance in the training program, and not on their sex. But, the girls get testing, not because they are not good at coding, but because they are girlsWhat some guys actually think about the role of the female members the team – To act as a stress buster, for the overworked male colleague, by letting them flirt with them anytime they want, objects to practice their macho act on and an interesting way to engage yourself when at leisure.There was a team meeting in which the members were supposed to write down suggestions and ideas to improve the performance of the project. Our troika attended that meeting as well, even though they were not contributing towards the project. As they had no idea about what actually was going on, Mridul and Aparajita, could not have possibly come up with any idea or suggestion. So while they stared at their blank post-its, it caught the attention of senior male colleague. Initially, he coaxed them to write something. And soon it turned into a game, where another team member joined them, and unloaded a pile of post-its. They took verbal jabs at them, had fun at their expense, and shared this awesome in-joke. And guess what, M.C. Pakhandi, and S. Swine were nowhere around. Sexist? Or I am over imaginative?Personally, I would thrash guys like MCP and SS within inches of their lives, but that would not do anyone any good. His complex, his antagonism towards woman, in general or particular would only increase. I just don't how can people like these be cured.Now that the story is over, some of you may challenge the neutrality of the story teller, i.e. yours truly. For the past 5 months, whenever I heard their stories, Mr. Pakhandi was never the villain. He was just a male colleague, sometimes very irritating and obnoxious, and un-co-operative, but never the enemy. The girls never saw him in that light till I pointed it out, and they gave an unbiased account, telling it as it happened . As I said before, the realization that something sexist was going on was sudden, and hence, the story.It is high time the girls kicked some serious MCP ass. I hope they get his balls as a trophy.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
An uncommon strength, An undying inspiration...
The results for the Kerala State Board, Std XII, the regular HSE, and the VHSE, were announced today by the Education Minister, Shri M A Baby. It was around , perhaps, 11.30 am by the time he got to the nitty gritty, speaking of how it had gone down by about 4 percent, as against last year's performance, and that there was only one child in the VHSE who secured A+ grades in all of his subjects. A rare distinction indeed. (The Kerala State Board gives only grades to the SSLC, the 10th Std, and both grades and marks to the 12th std. )Before you jump to conclusions, no, this is not about him :)
Shri Baby also mentioned that the education department would look into and give special attention to those schools who have performed the worst, at least 4 schools, from the bottom of the list, and ensure that any shortcoming by way of academic or infrastructure requirements are attended to, so that the students may be brought up, on par.
While all this was inspiring, the atmosphere at home was a little tense, as we needed to know some childrens' results and the websites just refused to open. Finally, after more than an hour, relentlessly hounding all the browsers I have, IE, Firefox, and Google Chrome, one window on Firefox [yayyy! I love firefox!] opened with the result longed for!
The name was right, Revathy Narayanan, Roll No. was right... And she drew in a deep breath, proceeding to the marklist. English, 59, C+, (a sigh, quiet, but heavy!), GFC -General Foundation Course- better 76, B+, MLT -Medical Lab. Technician course- Practicals, a whopping 140 out of 150, and 48 out of 50, A+ in both, Chemistry and Physics, 78, B+, and Biology was 67, B grade.
Oh! Ok. That is an average performance, given the fact that papers would have been easy, and of course the fact that tuitions galore should have enhanced the performance in at least the science subjects? That would be one's normal reaction, in this day and age of competitive, fierce competitive examinations, and preparations!
But no, not this time. I sat back and looked at the screen, Revathy, chewing her nails, a bit unhappy, her mother not quite sure of how precisely the results had turned out; to say I felt proud of her at that moment was an understatement. Why so, you might ask, given this well, just above average performance?
Let me take you back a couple of years, for that. Revathy had just completed her 10th. Results time again. Grades only this time, and she managed A+ grades in most, with only an A grade, and a couple of B+ grades. So? Did she not perform less satisfactorily this time then? Absolutely not.
Let me explain. Revathy is the daughter, the elder daughter, of Chandrika who helps me at home (I do not like to mention domestic help, because for me she is and has always been, in these last 13 years, family :)). Chandrika works at our place, and two other houses, battling odds like opposition from her relatives, her husband who used to, till a few months ago, drink and abuse his family, and so called well-meaning neighbours who never forgot to take pot shots at her, esp. when she dressed well, and ensured her kids had education. Government schools, and travelling by public transport, but good education nonetheless. But, sadly no tuition. For she could not afford it. I did call Revathy, and told her to find a suitable place to go for tuitions in any subject, and that I would take care of it, but she simply said that it was Ok, and she would manage. She did. Awesomely!
So, you see, today, when she proved to me again, Revathy, ie, that believing in oneself, working towards an objective, no matter where you are, is the stuff inspiration is made of. She inspires. She shows me the way, as her mother has, several times, when I was down because of nastiness I have encountered here and there.
She shows me that impossible is really nothing. That being a girl, in an underprivileged background is nothing. That it is all there for the taking, only one has to reach out and take it with both hands. One has to want it, and one has to be it. And being a girl, who was supposed to be a domestic help like her mother had nothing to do with it.
Back to the moment of the results. As I had mentioned, she was unhappy about the C+, but I just glossed over it, congratulating her, and sending her off. A few minutes later her mother called to ask me to speak to her, as she felt she compared poorly, with her fellow classmates. What could I tell her?
So I asked her if anyone of them did not go for tuitions. The answer was No. All of them did.
Did they have a father who really was not bothered? No.
Did they have to learn each bit of their course, all on their own, with no outside help? No.
Then, I told her, my very dearest girl, why you're the best there is. I told her how proud I was, much more that my own children, whose results anyway could have been way better! And I told her that finally it was all within. See, I said, how that wanting to do the best you could has brought you here? Low grades in English don't mean a thing, it's just a number, a letter.
And please, I told her, please, let us look upward, and ahead, because what has happened has... and nothing can change that! But a positive, and strong outlook ahead will make even miracles seem like child's play! I thought I heard a tiny sigh at the other end. I hope it was one of relief :) I am sure though, that it must have been the fact that I was about to end the call, that made her sigh :) :)
Whatever be that, I know that I am so so proud of this young girl, who defies fate, and shows us, that being the best you can be is not about gender or circumstance. It is about who you are, and want to be!
Thank you, Revathy, and thank you Chandrika. Now, you're a wonderful mother, much more than you will ever know yourself to be :) And now you too are famous :) :)
God bless you, always :)
Post Script: Chandrika's younger child is a boy, who she wanted to have, so badly, because she faced endless jibes about having a daughter. The young man has just completed his 10th, a little rogue, is his mother's worry , in caps.. :), but an affectionate chap who really means well. His grades too were above average, but nothing to match his sister's performance in the 10th. But to have achieved that much is to his credit, though he did go for tuitions, in most subjects :)
This is an impromptu post, really, and as usual I have rambled :)
However...
It's been a day of much upliftment, and joy, all around!
12 May, 2009
Shri Baby also mentioned that the education department would look into and give special attention to those schools who have performed the worst, at least 4 schools, from the bottom of the list, and ensure that any shortcoming by way of academic or infrastructure requirements are attended to, so that the students may be brought up, on par.
While all this was inspiring, the atmosphere at home was a little tense, as we needed to know some childrens' results and the websites just refused to open. Finally, after more than an hour, relentlessly hounding all the browsers I have, IE, Firefox, and Google Chrome, one window on Firefox [yayyy! I love firefox!] opened with the result longed for!
The name was right, Revathy Narayanan, Roll No. was right... And she drew in a deep breath, proceeding to the marklist. English, 59, C+, (a sigh, quiet, but heavy!), GFC -General Foundation Course- better 76, B+, MLT -Medical Lab. Technician course- Practicals, a whopping 140 out of 150, and 48 out of 50, A+ in both, Chemistry and Physics, 78, B+, and Biology was 67, B grade.
Oh! Ok. That is an average performance, given the fact that papers would have been easy, and of course the fact that tuitions galore should have enhanced the performance in at least the science subjects? That would be one's normal reaction, in this day and age of competitive, fierce competitive examinations, and preparations!
But no, not this time. I sat back and looked at the screen, Revathy, chewing her nails, a bit unhappy, her mother not quite sure of how precisely the results had turned out; to say I felt proud of her at that moment was an understatement. Why so, you might ask, given this well, just above average performance?
Let me take you back a couple of years, for that. Revathy had just completed her 10th. Results time again. Grades only this time, and she managed A+ grades in most, with only an A grade, and a couple of B+ grades. So? Did she not perform less satisfactorily this time then? Absolutely not.
Let me explain. Revathy is the daughter, the elder daughter, of Chandrika who helps me at home (I do not like to mention domestic help, because for me she is and has always been, in these last 13 years, family :)). Chandrika works at our place, and two other houses, battling odds like opposition from her relatives, her husband who used to, till a few months ago, drink and abuse his family, and so called well-meaning neighbours who never forgot to take pot shots at her, esp. when she dressed well, and ensured her kids had education. Government schools, and travelling by public transport, but good education nonetheless. But, sadly no tuition. For she could not afford it. I did call Revathy, and told her to find a suitable place to go for tuitions in any subject, and that I would take care of it, but she simply said that it was Ok, and she would manage. She did. Awesomely!
So, you see, today, when she proved to me again, Revathy, ie, that believing in oneself, working towards an objective, no matter where you are, is the stuff inspiration is made of. She inspires. She shows me the way, as her mother has, several times, when I was down because of nastiness I have encountered here and there.
She shows me that impossible is really nothing. That being a girl, in an underprivileged background is nothing. That it is all there for the taking, only one has to reach out and take it with both hands. One has to want it, and one has to be it. And being a girl, who was supposed to be a domestic help like her mother had nothing to do with it.
Back to the moment of the results. As I had mentioned, she was unhappy about the C+, but I just glossed over it, congratulating her, and sending her off. A few minutes later her mother called to ask me to speak to her, as she felt she compared poorly, with her fellow classmates. What could I tell her?
So I asked her if anyone of them did not go for tuitions. The answer was No. All of them did.
Did they have a father who really was not bothered? No.
Did they have to learn each bit of their course, all on their own, with no outside help? No.
Then, I told her, my very dearest girl, why you're the best there is. I told her how proud I was, much more that my own children, whose results anyway could have been way better! And I told her that finally it was all within. See, I said, how that wanting to do the best you could has brought you here? Low grades in English don't mean a thing, it's just a number, a letter.
And please, I told her, please, let us look upward, and ahead, because what has happened has... and nothing can change that! But a positive, and strong outlook ahead will make even miracles seem like child's play! I thought I heard a tiny sigh at the other end. I hope it was one of relief :) I am sure though, that it must have been the fact that I was about to end the call, that made her sigh :) :)
Whatever be that, I know that I am so so proud of this young girl, who defies fate, and shows us, that being the best you can be is not about gender or circumstance. It is about who you are, and want to be!
Thank you, Revathy, and thank you Chandrika. Now, you're a wonderful mother, much more than you will ever know yourself to be :) And now you too are famous :) :)
God bless you, always :)
Post Script: Chandrika's younger child is a boy, who she wanted to have, so badly, because she faced endless jibes about having a daughter. The young man has just completed his 10th, a little rogue, is his mother's worry , in caps.. :), but an affectionate chap who really means well. His grades too were above average, but nothing to match his sister's performance in the 10th. But to have achieved that much is to his credit, though he did go for tuitions, in most subjects :)
This is an impromptu post, really, and as usual I have rambled :)
However...
It's been a day of much upliftment, and joy, all around!
12 May, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What it takes to be oneself?
Being Me
A slowly filling
Silence;
Muted by the
Melody;
Of heartbeats
Soft;
Cosseted by wafting
Unspoken words;
Life moves within.
Surging, rushing
Feelings
From within to without...
I give expression to
The Unique Me.
I am a woman
Warm, Worthy
I know!
Holding that key
To Shakthi, and Shanti
I am Janani Jeeva...
I am life...
Procreator,
Not just of life,
But of love
Of just Being.
By Usha Pisharody, 8 March, 2009
A slowly filling
Silence;
Muted by the
Melody;
Of heartbeats
Soft;
Cosseted by wafting
Unspoken words;
Life moves within.
Surging, rushing
Feelings
From within to without...
I give expression to
The Unique Me.
I am a woman
Warm, Worthy
I know!
Holding that key
To Shakthi, and Shanti
I am Janani Jeeva...
I am life...
Procreator,
Not just of life,
But of love
Of just Being.
By Usha Pisharody, 8 March, 2009
*******************************
I believe
I believe
''Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.''
Sadly a woman who is the creator of life still finds herself second to her progeny because of gender.
As a woman I only ask for two things: equality and justice. So that in future we don't need a special day to commemorate women.By Solilo ,8th March 2009
***************************As long as a woman is made to feel weak BECAUSE she is a woman,as long as she faces hurdles both visible and invisible BECAUSE she is a woman, the scenario in India is unlikely to change.
The day when a woman in India can live on her own without fear ,without the terror that she might be targetted because she is a woman.The day a woman is not to made feel less because she is a woman.
The day a woman in India is treated as an equal not just in word but in spirit. That will be the day a woman will find what it means to simply be a human being.
Nothing more,nothing less.
Our bodies.
Our life.
Our right to decide.
''The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.'' ~Roseanne BarrBy Indyeah, 8th March 2009
***************************
Being me?
Being me?
A lot of things!
but for now...
Just some random thoughts ….
Being free of conditioning…
Not having to watch women believe they are weaker...
Being able to see that it's not about religion, culture, class …
Of refusing to buy such divides.
Of being able to show no matter what name we call her by,
God does not condone injustice in her name.
Whether it is a Jesme Raphael who risks being declared mad for speaking out,
Or another helpless sister being paraded in the streets of Orrisa,
An Imrana being told to marry her father in law because he raped her,
Or a Bilkis who became statistics...
Girls in Mangalore being taught a lesson just for being girls,
Or women in slums battered every evening because their husbands need no Pubs or Indian culture...
Or some other mothers whose children cannot pray to her god,
Because they married a man who worships another god.
It is never about religion or culture.
Just like rape is not about sex
And molestation has nothing to do with how provocatively a girl was dressed.
Being me
Would also be a refusal to fall into any divisive traps,
Of how my subjugation is better (or worse) than yours.
Of if I have not worked as a field hand,
Does not mean I can’t see how wrong it is to pay her less because she belongs to another gender.
Being me would also mean I will not put down another woman
no matter how many times I am warned
How unfairly prettier or obscenely successful she is.
Being me would mean being too self assured to allow this devious divisiveness
To make me forget that a trap is just a trap
And every trap is an obstacle in the race against prejudice,
Being me would be going overboard sometimes.
But never forgetting any of this....
By Indian Homemaker, 9th March 2009
*************************************
Monday, March 9, 2009
True story of a brave Indian woman - Celebrating Women's Day
You can do almost anything you put your mind to…
You can swim the deepest ocean and climb the highest peak…
Be a Doctor or fly a plane…
You can face adversity and still walk tall.
You are strong, beautiful, and compassionate and much more than words could ever say!
Today is yours, and so is every other day…
Happy Women’s Day!
We are celebrating Women’s Day with this real story of a brave Indian mother shared by a blogger who wants to remain anonymous. The story is posted as is with minor editing.
It is appreciation like this which helps us to go forward with this little initiation we refer to as ‘NO gender inequality’.
Thank you friend for sharing this with us.
Our mother raised us with little support from a dad who was suffering mental depression. In a way it proved to be a blessing in disguise, I guess. We realized that mom was by no means a lady inferior to men; she earned all her life and raised three unbelievably mischievous kids alone almost.
Sold a house in a big city to settle for a smaller and a less expensive town where she was born. She wanted to live in a town where no relatives lived, all had shifted to bigger cities. Far and alone, independent and smart enough to build a bungalow, a property that would give her shelter and shield her and her kids and her husband from the world which even wanted to separate them.
She was the 4th child in her family born at 11 months, born in August a year after the independence, a child not planned, her eldest sister was married by the time she arrived, two brothers, the youngest being 11 years older to her. Due to late birth she was born with a deformity, one hand short that got entangled in the intestines in her mothers womb.
Her sister committed suicide after giving birth to 3 kids who later became friends of their Maasi... almost the same age all of them.
It was in 1948, her birth year her dad started a business which went on to become so successful that in those days they became the richest.
Her mother didn’t want her to continue college after school but the eldest brother, a bit of a rebel fought the family and got her into college in nearby city and even an admission in hostel.
In her days in college is when she realized her true self... that she existed.... that she had a life....
When she graduated, this girl, daughter of a multi millionaire family had to be married off... she didn’t want to marry but when the eldest brother talked her into it she agreed.
She knew since she didn’t have a hand, an alliance wasn’t going to come so soon and if it would come it would be coz of her family not her. Still it was this brother who fought for her, she felt she had to listen to him. The younger brother wanted her to not marry but the elder brother too strong, too dominant and too much respected wanted her to.
She did have a few emotions for a couple of guys in college but her handicap would ensure she would never feel comfortable or at ease with them.
When she questioned it was told that her parents would buy her a flat, everything she needed and dad would be helped. He was a young commercial designer from a big city college, qualified but poor.
Eventually the marriage took place; the flat was bought for them in a suburb near to the eldest brother's house far from where dad lived. Despite dad not wanting it they wanted to protect the sister from dad's 2 younger brothers who were also in the same poor boat, qualified but poor they would use the house if they stayed in the same vicinity.
Soon they had a son, although the mother and the father both had longed for a girl even thought of a name. A boy was born and their aspirations of a daughter led to two more boys.
For a while things were ok. Her mother in law was a very good lady however she didn’t like the idea of staying with the son in his wife's house so often would go back to the hut of the two younger brothers. Dad was mighty attached with his mom and he didn’t like this. This all was affecting him slowly. Dad separated from his friends, who would also taunt him about marrying a very rich girl, about toeing her.
All this humiliation was tough on him. He couldn’t work, couldn’t identify, would fight with mom, got violent a couple of times, left the eldest kid at a bus-stop in a bit city, miraculously he was found. He was even sent to a mental asylum...electric Shocks.... and what not....
It was at this stage a relative, an uncle of mum, told her to get out of the big city, away from the relatives, the eldest brother agreed. She with three kids in a week’s time when she was not sure what to do and what not she left for a small town for a job in a hostel run by that uncle for the communities girls... Mom was BA. Bed.
She went away, her husband not knowing where the kids and his wife were. For four years she lived in tatters although the girls in the hostel were to become her best friends. She always was not sure what was happening. Finally one day, Dad found her out and came to meet us. This was when the youngest of us three brothers just once spelt out, Mom can't we all stay together. I cursed my brother for that because I hated Dad and felt sorry for Mom. Eventually Dad would again lose it.
But Mom somehow gathered the courage and put her foot down for the first time over her elder brother and told him that Dad was staying with us. She decided to go back to her home town where no one knew of our past, about dad's past most importantly. She thought she could revive everything.
Once in the small town she sold her big city flat and built a bungalow. Probably living 4 years away from the influence of relatives had made her think, independently at that. This time she was clear in her mind. She started tuitions as she didn’t want to leave the house to dad. She stayed home, did tuitions from 7 in the morning at our house to 11, cooked and would again get back to tuitions from 2 to 7 in the evening again cook. The three kids would keep eating piles of rotis and this lady with one hand would cook and make rotis for everyone including her husband.
Dad mellowed down but was never able to work. He would assist in the kitchen and in the tuitions but he would have a spell or too when he would lose once in a while in a year or so. Eventually the three sons graduated, Mom exhausted all her savings of the flat of big city in raising these kids. In the nick of time I started contributing and so followed the two little ones a few years later.
In my life there is no great hero. I have the greatest heroine.... It is my Mother. For us three kids it was always Mom... and nobody else....
If this wouldn’t teach me that a woman is equal or even stronger then I don’t know what would.
I don’t know why I am writing this to you guys. I actually am a little weepy at the moment but anyways, just wanted to tell you girls that what you have started is a wonderful thing. Strangely this just kept getting longer and longer...
I just hope people will understand, realize that women and men are two different sexes and nothing more. There is nothing better or superior or inferior involved in this. Most still don't understand but unless efforts like yours are made, they never will.
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